For 39 weeks you grew inside me. I gave up some of my favourite things hoping you would be as healthy as possible – sushi, lattes, wine, soft cheeses, eggs Benedict … I took a photo of my belly every week, and savoured the moments when I felt you moving inside. Found myself wondering what you would be like, imagining that first moment seeing you, wondering if you’d look like Sebastian or me. I wondered what your personality would be like – would you have a kind heart, an optimistic nature, an intelligent mind? Wondered what would make you smile, what would push your buttons. At the same time I felt so nervous something would go wrong and I wouldn’t get to meet you, so I was cautious in my fantasies. Those 39 weeks seemed like they took forever at the time – probably because I was counting each and every one, diligently tracking in my app what “fruit” you were the size of. Looking back now, it all went by so fast. And somehow feels like it was an eternity ago.
For the last 9 and a half weeks we’ve been getting to know each other. You came into my life my rainbow baby and shook things up in ways I never could have imagined. We’ve cried together and you’ve pushed me to my limits and helped me to find strength within me I never knew I had. You’ve shaken my nerves to their core with your crying and screaming, which has forced me to tap in to be so in tune to your rhythm and needs that’s it’s almost like you’re still inside of me. It’s also allowed me to put into use the meditation skills I learned some years ago. When I hold you close I feel a connection I have never felt in my life. When you finally relax after crying it is one of the most wonderful sensations. You melt like butter in my arms and all is right in the world for those moments (or, if we’re lucky, hours).
I’ll keep on counting the weeks – you’ll be ten on Thursday – and capturing the photos because I know that regardless of how long each day sometimes feels, and how desperate and useless I feel at times, this is all very fleeting and will go by so fast.