There are some moments in life where you pause and it feels like time stops altogether. You feel in your bones like this is a moment you will look back on many years down the road. It has been too long since my last post, and in that time I have experienced several of these moments.
When rocking Penny to sleep, I often gently rub her head. Sometimes when I do this, she wraps her tiny hand around my finger and squeezes tightly, resting her head on my chest as she ever so gently drifts off to sleep. In those moments I remember how so very small and vulnerable she is. I remember how badly she needs me right now – for absolutely everything. The other night I teared up looking at her little hand. Thinking of all that lies ahead for her – learning to talk and walk and eat, going to school, exploring nature, making friends, mending broken hearts, traveling, having her own children one day… There is so much ahead of her, so much to discover. And right now her world is so small and she’s so precious. I thought about what it’ll be like getting to know her as a person – this tiny creature that I made with my body.
In my moments of frustration when she’s waking up for the eighth time of the night, I have found that visualizing that little hand of hers wrapped around my finger helps me to find all the patience I never knew I had within me.
Some people say you shouldn’t rock a baby to sleep. That you’re teaching “bad habits” that you’ll “never be able to break”. To me, I’d rather teach my little one the comfort of loving arms, and help her to know that sleep is a safe and peaceful state. I want to cherish the time when she will let me rock her to sleep because I know there will come a time that I will do that for the last time. Right now, we are experiencing so many firsts – every day it feels like a “first time Penny …” But I am mindful of the reality that these things will have lasts too. Probably far earlier than I’ll be ready for with some of them. And for now, I want to cherish the moments as best as I can, despite my sleep deprived state.
The best moments are the ones when she gets this great big bright smile. She smiles with her whole face and it melts my heart completely. She’s starting to giggle which is the most beautiful music to this tired momma’s ears.