Author: Michelle Fleming

For 39 weeks you grew inside me. I gave up some of my favourite things hoping you would be as healthy as possible – sushi, lattes, wine, soft cheeses, eggs Benedict … I took a photo of my belly every week, and savoured the moments when I felt you moving inside. Found myself wondering what you would be like, imagining that first moment seeing you, wondering if you’d look like Sebastian or me. I wondered what your personality would be like – would you have a kind heart, an optimistic nature, an intelligent mind? Wondered what would make you smile, what would push your buttons. At the same time I felt so nervous something would go wrong and I wouldn’t get to meet you, so I was cautious in my fantasies. Those 39 weeks seemed like they took forever at the time – probably because I was counting each and every one, diligently tracking in my app what “fruit” you were the size of. Looking back now, it all went by so fast. And somehow feels like it was an eternity ago.

For the last 9 and a half weeks we’ve been getting to know each other. You came into my life my rainbow baby and shook things up in ways I never could have imagined. We’ve cried together and you’ve pushed me to my limits and helped me to find strength within me I never knew I had. You’ve shaken my nerves to their core with your crying and screaming, which has forced me to tap in to be so in tune to your rhythm and needs that’s it’s almost like you’re still inside of me. It’s also allowed me to put into use the meditation skills I learned some years ago. When I hold you close I feel a connection I have never felt in my life. When you finally relax after crying it is one of the most wonderful sensations. You melt like butter in my arms and all is right in the world for those moments (or, if we’re lucky, hours).

I’ll keep on counting the weeks – you’ll be ten on Thursday – and capturing the photos because I know that regardless of how long each day sometimes feels, and how desperate and useless I feel at times, this is all very fleeting and will go by so fast.

On Thursday, Penny turned six weeks and I also had my follow up appointment with the OB. It was wonderful to see the man who saved our lives again, to get to thank him once more, and to learn that I now have a clean bill of health. Due to the HELLP Syndrome, my blood pressure had remained high post partum, but luckily it has gone back to normal levels and I will not need to be on medication long term (which was a big worry for me). So I am ‘cured’ and will start to feel totally normal again soon. I’m almost there, but the hormones are still a bit out of whack resulting in night sweats. Pregnancy and childbirth is not glamorous at all, no matter what the movies try to tell you! The OB says by 3 months I should feel completely “back to normal”. It’ll be a new kind of normal I imagine, as my life is forever changed by this experience. I have a new appreciation of how fragile life is, and how quickly things can be taken away. We could have so easily lost baby Penny had I not been diagnosed on time and gotten the emergency c-section when I did. She is so much more precious to me knowing how close things came. Knowing that had we not had that monitoring appointment on that Thursday six weeks ago, and had I continued to believe the symptoms I was having was just a drawn out labour, something far worse could have happened to me as well. I am so thankful that circumstances happened the way they did and that the care I received was so phenomenal. The midwife was on top of things and they were able to catch the issue in the nick of time. One day soon I will write a post on how much midwifery care made a difference for us – especially for me during the post partum period.

Penny and I are getting into a weekday routine of tummy time, walks in the park, story time and snuggle time. Sebastian is back at work, and we are doing our best to let him focus. It’s hard for him I’m sure – working from home and hearing us in the other room. He comes to visit periodically through the day and these moments are so precious. We are becoming our own family unit, and settling into our new roles. Getting to know our baby girl as she discovers herself is incredible. Her latest development is finding her voice – sometimes she screams exploring the different pitches and volumes she is capable of. For a baby so tiny it’s unbelievable sometimes how loud she can be! She is cooing and babbling, and we are encouraging this as much as possible as these noises are the early beginning of her language skills. She’s already outgrown her newborn clothes and has moved on to the 0-3 months outfits. One thing that surprised us a lot reading the baby books is that at this stage, she doesn’t realize she has hands. It’s interesting watching her touching her hair and her face, because you can see that she’s starting to explore herself and her body, but there are many connections that haven’t been made just yet. It’s a powerful thing watching human development happening right before your eyes. It brings me back to when I was studying developmental psychology in university. I knew then that I’d love this aspect of parenting: watching someone grow. And our little sweet pea is certainly doing a lot of that!